"The reason for the season": Whatever our religion, we need peace and goodwill all year round!

The thing that I like best about the holiday season is the open and frequent call for “peace on earth” and “goodwill to people”(at one time, “men”). OK, at one time, many decades ago, I most liked the presents. Of course, the main “holiday” in the US is Christmas, a Christian celebration. But, as someone who is not a Christian, and was not brought up in any Christian church, I like those sentiments, expressed in Christmas cards and banners and the ubiquitous holiday movies like “A Christmas Carol” and its descendant “It’s a Wonderful Life” (Do you know how long it takes a working man to save $5000? A lot longer back in 1946!). What I hope that they mean is that Christianity, the dominant religion in the US values them.

It is important because it could, at most times of the year, be hard to identify these as the values held by the bulk of those who call themselves Christian. Peace, and goodwill, and empathy, and caring about others including strangers, are not – by a long shot – the dominant sentiments or behaviors we see among Americans (and others). War is big. Hate is big. Castigating and oppressing the other is big. Excluding, not welcoming, the stranger, is huge. Anger, rage, meanness, violence, and close-mindedness often seem to dominate the landscape.

While not Christian, I have read the New Testament, but more important have watched what many people who are Christians say and do in all seasons. There are many thousands who volunteer to help the needy, to feed them, to build houses for them, to offer both financial and moral support. In my area, southern Arizona, groups such as Samaritans, Humane Borders, and No More Deaths (No Mas Muertes) welcome the stranger and reach out, giving of themselves and taking real risks to help. As a doctor, I see others who travel around the world to impoverished countries and even war zones to offer their skills, usually at their own expense. These people are around all year, doing amazing things, motivated by their faith. I do not share their religion, but I am awed by the good works that they do. There are a lot of ads for St. Jude’s Hospital for Children on TV at this time of year. I knew that Danny Thomas, the late actor, was deeply involved in supporting it, but I looked it up and discovered that he founded it. And took responsibility for raising money to build it and to operate, and “never send a bill” to a patient or family. The former president and first lady Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter built houses for the needy with Habitat for Humanity.

There are many other examples of people whose actions demonstrate that they seek to emulate the Jesus of the New Testament who helps the sick and poor. Who commands his followers to treat their neighbor, and indeed the stranger, as themselves. Who reaches out and touches, not just heals, the leper, an act that would have made him unclean in those days. Who brings women into his ministry. Who turns over the tables of the moneylenders at the temple, and warns that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into the kingdom of heaven.

It is quite remarkable that entire church structures have been built on principles at variance with, indeed in opposition to, those teachings and, more important, those actions throughout the history of the last 2000 years. Selling indulgences, passports for admission to Heaven for the rich? Crusades? Capital punishment? Hating the other? Excluding women from central roles? People of color? People with different gender and sexual identities? Fire and brimstone? Given that history, I guess it should not surprise me, then, that so many today who profess to be Christians in fact act on hate and intolerance rather than peace and good will. But it makes me sad.

When folks, I guess particularly Christians, want to justify hate, punishment, exclusion, and generally mean things, they turn away from the New Testament and cite the Old. That part of their Bible, the only Bible for Jews, is chock full of nasty and mean things that you are supposed to do to other people. Leviticus, the third book of the Torah (called the Pentateuch by Christians) is especially rich in meanness. It is where the proscription of men sleeping with men, for example, is found. Of course, there is a whole lot of other stuff proscribed, and to be punished with death (often with a specific type of death, such as stoning or burning – no guns, they didn’t have them, no lethal injections either). Chapter 20 is especially rife with things that folks should be put to death for. One of the most effective expositions of the selectivity with which many Christians choose the parts of that chapter to believe in and enforce is provided by the fictional US President Jeb Bartlet on the old TV show “The West Wing”, where he takes down an ostensible Bible fundamentalist by asking about how he should follow many of the less well-known commands therein. But, by the way, Leviticus also contains a lot of good stuff foreshadowing the teachings of Jesus in the 19^th chapter. Check it out. Some of that chapter is observed today only by the most Orthodox Jews (e.g., not cutting the hair at the sides of the head or the beard, Lev 19:27), but, relevant to today, there is Lev 19:34 “The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt.” This does not seem to be the dominant ideology around now.

A popular phrase not long ago was “What would Jesus do?”, abbreviated “WWJD?”. Taking it at face value, this is what those I have referred to above do. It is hard, reading about Jesus in the Gospels, to believe that he would not, in virtually in every situation or controversy, take the side of the poor against the rich, the powerless against the powerful, the peacemakers against the warmakers, the weak against the strong. It’d be great if that were what we saw that from most people, Christian or not.

There are rich people in the Bible, and I cannot find a call for them to be stoned to death per se. But they do not get the privilege and honor that they receive today. Today those who are billionaires and do not care about others, who keep hoards of wealth that neither they nor their dependents will be able to use while millions go hungry and homeless, are honored. But their behavior is despicable whatever religion or non-religion they subscribe do.

If they are Christian, they must be imagining a needle with a very big eye.

Teasing is never OK: Maybe we did learn that in kindergarten

In 1986, American minister Robert Fulghum wrote “Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten”, and it has been revised, reprinted, and widely quoted ever since. It is a good book, and has good insights, most of which are to a large degree wishful thinking – that is, they point to lessons regarding how to behave with others that were taught in kindergarten and should be observed by adults, but too often are not. If my mother was your kindergarten teacher, you learned this – and this was only one of the many ways you were very lucky to have her.

But, at an advanced age, I realize that many of the things that I – and IMO others – need to know was, if taught in kindergarten, not sufficiently emphasized, and we need a reminder. One particular example is teasing, making fun of other people and then, ostensibly, excusing it by saying “I was only teasing,” or “I was only joking,” as if that made it ok. Kind of like shooting someone and saying “I was only trying to wound, not to kill”.

The underlying postulate here, which it has taken me into old age to be sure (IMO) is correct, is that ANYTIME ANYONE says ANYTHING bad about you, it hurts. Maybe more, maybe less; maybe you get over it soon and forget about it, or maybe it sticks around making you feel at least a little (or maybe a lot) bad for a long time. Maybe your whole life. It never makes you feel good, and, contrary to what is sometimes said, it doesn’t even matter if it is true, a little bit true, or completely false. People saying something negative or critical to or about you feels bad.

Of course, there are times when this is intentional. Any criticism of what you do or did, whether at school, or at work, or in your personal life, feels a little bad. And if that is the intent of the critic, it is a separate (but important) issue, not exactly the one I am dealing with here. Sometimes people are doing something wrong (or “wrong”) at their job and need to be corrected, and if it feels a little bad, then that is the price to be paid. Or sometimes the critic is just mean, in general or to the person being criticized. But if the intention is to hurt, I can’t argue that you shouldn’t do it because it might hurt. I guess.

I realized in the work environment that, sincerity aside, when someone says something good about you it feels at least a little good and when someone says something bad it feels at least a little bad. If your boss compliments you, even if it feels insincere (like they just came from a managements seminar where they were told “compliment your employees”) it still feels a little good. And if someone says something mean or critical that you know to be totally untrue and coming from the ignorance, meanness, or vindictiveness of the critic and is without real value, it still feels a little bad. And, of course, the mean and vindictive (and, to be sure, the incompetent who may have no other weapon) know that it does.

But what I am concerned about here is when the critic is (or says they are) not intending to be mean or hurt, but are “only” teasing. There is no “only” teasing. It always hurts, a little or a lot, and the teaser is as guilty of being mean as if they consciously meant to be, and hurt the other person – which often is the case. 

Maybe (probably) folks will say “Oh, lighten up! People need to be able to take criticism! Don’t be so thin skinned!”. Maybe, or maybe not. People should be able to learn from criticism. Especially (and this is too often ignored) if they ask for it. If it is constructive criticism, if it is meant to help someone to do their job better, if it is carefully and specifically stated, if there is in fact something that the person being criticized can do to address the issue (a really important point! Criticizing someone for something they cannot do anything, say a physical or hereditary characteristic is always bad, and never “just” teasing!) then it can be useful. 

But just criticizing? Just teasing? Just making fun of someone? That can never be good.

And maybe I did learn that in kindergarten and forgot. We all need to remember.