In 1986, American minister Robert Fulghum wrote “Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten”, and it has been revised, reprinted, and widely quoted ever since. It is a good book, and has good insights, most of which are to a large degree wishful thinking – that is, they point to lessons regarding how to behave with others that were taught in kindergarten and should be observed by adults, but too often are not. If my mother was your kindergarten teacher, you learned this – and this was only one of the many ways you were very lucky to have her.
But, at an advanced age, I realize that many of the things that I – and IMO others – need to know was, if taught in kindergarten, not sufficiently emphasized, and we need a reminder. One particular example is teasing, making fun of other people and then, ostensibly, excusing it by saying “I was only teasing,” or “I was only joking,” as if that made it ok. Kind of like shooting someone and saying “I was only trying to wound, not to kill”.
The underlying postulate here, which it has taken me into old age to be sure (IMO) is correct, is that ANYTIME ANYONE says ANYTHING bad about you, it hurts. Maybe more, maybe less; maybe you get over it soon and forget about it, or maybe it sticks around making you feel at least a little (or maybe a lot) bad for a long time. Maybe your whole life. It never makes you feel good, and, contrary to what is sometimes said, it doesn’t even matter if it is true, a little bit true, or completely false. People saying something negative or critical to or about you feels bad.
Of course, there are times when this is intentional. Any criticism of what you do or did, whether at school, or at work, or in your personal life, feels a little bad. And if that is the intent of the critic, it is a separate (but important) issue, not exactly the one I am dealing with here. Sometimes people are doing something wrong (or “wrong”) at their job and need to be corrected, and if it feels a little bad, then that is the price to be paid. Or sometimes the critic is just mean, in general or to the person being criticized. But if the intention is to hurt, I can’t argue that you shouldn’t do it because it might hurt. I guess.
I realized in the work environment that, sincerity aside, when someone says something good about you it feels at least a little good and when someone says something bad it feels at least a little bad. If your boss compliments you, even if it feels insincere (like they just came from a managements seminar where they were told “compliment your employees”) it still feels a little good. And if someone says something mean or critical that you know to be totally untrue and coming from the ignorance, meanness, or vindictiveness of the critic and is without real value, it still feels a little bad. And, of course, the mean and vindictive (and, to be sure, the incompetent who may have no other weapon) know that it does.
But what I am concerned about here is when the critic is (or says they are) not intending to be mean or hurt, but are “only” teasing. There is no “only” teasing. It always hurts, a little or a lot, and the teaser is as guilty of being mean as if they consciously meant to be, and hurt the other person – which often is the case.
Maybe (probably) folks will say “Oh, lighten up! People need to be able to take criticism! Don’t be so thin skinned!”. Maybe, or maybe not. People should be able to learn from criticism. Especially (and this is too often ignored) if they ask for it. If it is constructive criticism, if it is meant to help someone to do their job better, if it is carefully and specifically stated, if there is in fact something that the person being criticized can do to address the issue (a really important point! Criticizing someone for something they cannot do anything, say a physical or hereditary characteristic is always bad, and never “just” teasing!) then it can be useful.
But just criticizing? Just teasing? Just making fun of someone? That can never be good.
And maybe I did learn that in kindergarten and forgot. We all need to remember.
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